“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
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[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.