I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
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I have questions??
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Thursday
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.