I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
You Might Also Like
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.