I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
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Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Good dog. ❤️
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”