the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
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had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.