me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
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Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron