SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
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I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.