May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
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The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
How to properly lift a body
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
So can we start calling them Traylor now?