@pinupteacher: I'm at my most pacman when I try and get to the snack table at a party without interacting with a single person.
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@ryaninco: There's three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.
@CliffDuffy: Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
@WilliamAder: Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?