I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
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I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.