I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
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I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask