I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
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True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*