I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
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I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.