I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
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People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “