I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
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[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
*frowns in Scottish*
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know