“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
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The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?