I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
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The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Wedding planning is organized crime.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”