@Brianhopecomedy: I'm at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
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@Adam14: When people say "Let's not get off on the wrong foot here", I reply "Please don't get off on either of my feet".
@famouscrab: yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
@rickkondell: The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
@sickipediabot: Mesut Ozil was quoted as saying "I want to help Arsenal win trophies." So when does the rest of the Real Madrid squad arrive with you?