I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
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My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.