I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
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Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Not messing around
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.