I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
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I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.