I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
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*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats