With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
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Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”