I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
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My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I’d hang this in my house.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
repaired
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!