I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
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BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Kids: Stay in school.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Cat.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.