@Social_Mime: I'm at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
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@usermcuserface: I'm breaking up with you. No, your paintings are not the issue! Vincent van Gogh: (holding his severed ear) Is it the way I dress?
@kashanacauley: People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!! New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
@FrazzleMyGimp: FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh. [later] COP: Do you know why I pulled you over? ME: Uh oh, guess who's awoken the tickle monster?
@AndyAsAdjective: KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive? BON JOVI DAD: oh…we're halfway there…