I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
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It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today