I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
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Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Put a ring on it
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.