I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
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I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”