I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
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You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.