i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
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You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.