I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
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if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
That’s classic.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this