I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
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[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
That de-escalated quickly
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony