I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
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Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.