I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
You Might Also Like
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Oh yeah that’s it
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
liiiiiiiiike
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*