A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
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[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.