my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
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“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.