I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
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The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”