I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
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Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.