Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
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I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.