Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
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This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
british sex workers really pound for pound