I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
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Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt