I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
You Might Also Like
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
A leaf blower, but for people.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.