I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
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The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
what the hell pray for carter everyone
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things