I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
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My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Just this preview of the story is enough
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain