squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
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When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*