I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
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I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I’m Sold!
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
new shirt idea
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
how to market bottled water to dads
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show