I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
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i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.