I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
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can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
HR said no more nunchucks.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”