accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
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Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
you gotta be faster
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I am having an out of money experience.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them