I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
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My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.