Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
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Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?