I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
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“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.