I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
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My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*